May I have a condom please?

“I’m sorry ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you for an ID”
“But I’m asking you for a condom!! Not beer! Why do you need an ID?”
“That’s the procedure madam. Do you have an ID or not?”
“Absolutely ridiculous!! Fine….what sort of ID do you want?”
“Just show me your license.”
“Ok! You want age proof…drivers license should do…here you go”
“Your marriage license, miss. I don’t care how old you are! If you’re married you can have a condom!!!”

Ooooookay then!

Forgive me for my preposterous beginning. But this is what happened to me in the hospital while I was getting a scan done for kidney stones… No, they didn’t ask me for an ID but here’s what happened:

I had been told to have a full bladder for 2 hours and show up for the scan scheduled at 10 a.m. one fine Sunday. I followed all the instructions – I drank 2 liters of water, didn’t go to the loo for 2 hours, hadn’t eaten anything and had turned up at 9 45! But I was told to wait… I finally got my turn at 10 45 when I was just about ready to burst! Not so much in a good mood when I went in, I didn’t make small talk with the two middle age lady doctors there. They started their checks gently pressing and probing every inch of my abdomen. When they reached my pelvis was when I sprang up straight and said “Doc, I need to go to the loo else you’ll have to get a “Caution – Wet floor’ sign very soon!” … They got the hint and I relieved myself! Ah….smiling I returned for the rest of my scan…

Something beeped on the monitor… Frowns appeared on the ladies faces… Hushed whispers passed between them… “Ummm…everything ok doc?”, I ask hesitantly… “Yes yes, nothing to worry about….we can see something unusual here… can you tell me when your last period was?”…That’s easy, I thought, “Last month, I’m due sometime now.”…. More frowns… “Have they been regular?”… “Yep…nothing unusual!”… They exchange baffled looks….Then with sudden enlightenment one lady turns to me and asks, “When was you last sexual intercourse?”… ha ha, I think, this should be fun…I was just about to jokingly say ‘this morning in the elevator on my way here’, when the other lady peering into my records proclaims with finality, “Oh, she’s unmarried!”

I’m sorry, what’s that supposed to mean?? These educated, intelligent woman still have such a backward outlook. It was quite shocking and somehow I feel they really think the guy selling condoms will ask you that question!

[PS: Now we know who’s NEVER bought a condom in her life!]

Freedom fighters?

India just celebrated her Independence day… and we proud Indians were damn happy for her! “What a progressive nation”, we proclaimed… In her usual high spirits, Sheena proposed a plan to celebrate… - Lets go drinking!! I thought it was a wonderful idea, considering we don’t do enough of that already!! ;)

By 9 p.m. we three girls had just about made a plan and after numerous “u pick a place” and “I don’t want to go dancing – just drinking” kind of intense discussions we dolled up and made our way to TGIF….. We absolutely love the Ultimate Long Beach Iced Tea there!! And oh the Ultimate Mud Slides!!! Orgasmic….! So we had aplenty of those and we were haaa-ah-hapy by midnight… We’d made a couple of friends in the table next to ours, made a couple of trips to the ATM next door and made more than a couple of trips to the restroom…. Ah the good times!

When the pub finally shut its doors and switched off its lights and the friendly waiter turned quite sour, we thought we’d stayed there long enough and we’d better leave!

Sheena had sobered up by then. The woman has an amazing switch-mechanism… she’s passing out one moment and walking in a straight line with her left hand on her right ear the next… we were good because anyway she was the one driving…:) hic…

We walk up to our car parked outside TGIF and she opens the doors. We were just about to enter when this Ford Icon pulls up right next to us and its windows roll down. Three men in their mid-twenties smile at us… “Come sit with us baby”…. “Holy Shit…Sheena, Ananya…get in fast!”. We sit in our car and wait for them to leave. They don’t.

We decide that they are juvenile drunks and will leave us alone so we pull out of our parking spot and speed down the road. We hardly notice them frantically taking a u-turn and following us. We don’t even notice them hanging out of their windows shouting obscenities at us. But we do notice them when they scrape the length of our car on the left as Sheena tries turning! She saw them through her rear view mirror and swerved to the right in the nick of time, else those lunatics would have sent us spinning against the curb.

SHIT SHIT SHIT…..

Her fender is damaged and our ego’s bruised!

So independence huh…. Women are still fighting for freedom… its not a war for equality anymore… it’s a war to just leave us alone…

Count your Blessings

I don’t think we count our blessings enough. We crib and complain and when people around us stop listening, we crib about that as well. No matter what you do, the grass will ALWAYS be greener on the other side.

He earns more than me – when am I going to be as rich
She is at home all the time – I wish I had that much free time
Why does he keep talking to her – I wish I wasn’t 2nd priority
Why am I fat – I wish I was a lot less curvy
Why is my dog so yappy – I wish I had a lab
I don’t have nice clothes – he looks so much better than I do.

We need to remember that there’s ALWAYS going to be a flip side

I work so hard to earn this much – I wish I was following my passion.
I’m at home all day – I wish I had stuck to a career and been busier.
Even though he talks to her all day – he thinks me the last thing at night and the first thing in the morning.
I’m so thin – I have a size 0 boob!
My lab is so huge – I want a dog I can put in my purse
All I have are clothes – I need some shoes to go with it…and a PERSONALITY!!

I mean seriously! I’m gonna prove god wrong…well, I really am going to try. This wasted emotion of jealousy makes us lose out on what we have and make the MOST of what we have. I don’t mean give up on ambition – I mean give up on envy…

With all the classes we attend, maybe a class or two on counting our blessings is in the need. – Lesson No 2.

The sights and sounds of Manipal

Manipal is a historic landmark. Its this beautiful place with lots of trees and greenery. There’s security and parking. People come and go all the time. There are also visiting hours and emergency wards. Manipal…is a hospital. And I was there yesterday.

Indians in general are not a very sensitive race. We are impatient and rude. We judge you by the clothes you wear and the class you belong to. We respect you according to the people you know and the strings you can pull. We don’t look at everyone as ‘humans’ and we definitely don’t stand in queues.
But come a place where we’re vulnerable and we go all humble in our knees. The rudest person smiles at the flight attendant – because it’s the first time he’s in a plane. The street smart businessman gives his seat to a lady in the bus – because this is the first tine he’s in a plush greyhound. The crudest taxi-driver speaks softly when he goes into the hotel – because this is the first time he’s in a sweet-smelling-soft-music-playing place. Unfamiliarity breeds vulnerability and vulnerability breeds humility.

At the hospital yesterday, I was surprised – pleasantly. There were automatic queues. There was no overloading of lifts…people waited their turns!! There were even some smiles shared between patients in the waiting rooms…crying children were hugged by the guy sitting next to the exhausted mother…the sunken teenager shared a song through Bluetooth with a guy she’d normally never have spoken to.

I blame this perfect picture on vulnerability – the result of imperfect happenings in all these people’s lives. It is quite ironic and it’s a little sad. Why wait to be scared and vulnerable to be a nice person? – Lesson No 1.

When is the right time to resume the music?

I’ve never known… and I am pretty heartless…! Cry before me and all I can muster up is a hug!! So it is easy to deduce that I’m awkward around sob stories… I feel for you, but I can’t be the “perfect shoulder”! it’s just not me… I don’t mind at all… you CAN cry before me… but undertake the risk of me being all Jim Carrey on you and blurt out something like, “so I like Lemon tea....you?”.

If you want advice, come. If you want a plan, come. If you want a friend, come. But if you want sympathy – don’t come..!

This morning I was in my room and finishing a job review (which might get me my promotion, by the way :D yay!). Since it was important I had music on full volume – hey, c’mon…you do it too… anything important warrants loud music… an exam, ur boyfriend’s break up speech, the fights ur neighbors’ have before heading to the divorce lawyer, ur brother having sex with his girlfriend in the next room….it all NEEDS loud music… so I had music on full volume.

The maid comes in to sweep the room. “Hi”, I smile at her and turn back to my laptop… “My daughter has got chickenguniya…”, she responds.

Damn it… I press mute. “What happened?”, I inquire sincerely concerned. “My daughter, brother and husband all have it and are admitted in the hospital… it’ll cost me 40,000 rupees!”.

“Oh shit…that’s sad… don’t worry… so I like lemon tea, you?”

She looked at me like I was a   loon… do you blame her????

And she proceeded to sweep the room….and I wonder – When is the right time to resume the music?

I am a saint…

I am. Seriously. I can prove it –

I hate gossiping behind people’s backs.
I have always helped when I can.
I am not selfish.
I hate NOBODY.
Never found anyone annoying.
Look for the good in EVERYBODY.
Always offer a solution to any problem you bring up – and I will follow up.
I never judge people.
I can look at a terrorist and think I can change him/ her.

And the proof – If I was a third party looking at myself – I’d freaking annoy me to death… but I don’t. So I must have the patience of a saint.

Hence, proved!

Ok, I’m not! But for the record, I try really hard to do all the above mentioned saintly things.
Ask my boyfriend, he’ll tell you the truth about me – I gossip, sometimes I am selfish, I hate Bhavin, I do ignore people’s problems if it’s not convenient for me… I find people who talk about themselves non-stop annoying “guess what I did today…then guess what I found out about myself….then guess what I have decided to do…then guess what me me me my my my….” – WHO CARES A F***…

Is life all about rock music and pink hair and beer.....?

maybe!

Silence! The court is in session...

'Silence! The court is in session'...'Shantata! Court chalu ahe'

No, i am not translating English play titles into Marathi... I do have better work ;)
This play originally written in Marathi in 1967 by Padma Bhushan awardee Vijay Dhondopant Tendulkar (he did win it for exemplary performances in the field of arts but it wasn't for this play!). Just to add a bit of trivia, he is the father of noted film actress Priya Tendulkar! I guess the scientifically-proven-yet-often-opposed fact that certain skills are passed on to generations through genes has been proven true yet again! Armed with this proof it is safe to assume that although I am scared stiff of silverfish, i'd sure be a firebrand with an AK-47 at war! Watch out Pakis....[my dad was an army officer!].

Anyhoo... the play is super with brilliant direction and brings to light an issue that boils my feminist blood - namely, Hypocrisy! It is about a school teacher who takes classes for 10 year old children (essentially 5th std kids, right?...well in my day and age...... ok, that's a different saga altogether...some other time!). She's a light-hearted, spirited woman who enjoys her youth and encourages laughter to lead her through life. And she is single. Oh, what a crime! Woe be this woman who has not decided to settle down... this woman who has decided to be financially independent... this woman who challenges her male colleagues everyday in a battle of intellect - and wins!

The story unfolds when the drama club she is part of (consisting of educators, lawyers, an actor etc) decides to stage a fake-show as practice before an actual theatre performance they were to hold that evening. They decide to come up with a make-believe theme and conduct a fake-play in order to practice what a courtroom session is like. They choose a judge, a prosecutor, a defendant, a couple of witnesses and needless to say, the accused is this spirited young lady. The crime decided upon is - infanticide.

The play unfurls with the 'fake-play' ending up being the exact replica of her life. The hypocrisy of these educators and actors and lawyers come to the forefront with everybody accusing her of being "loose" since she has had sex before marriage and worse still- got pregnant. Then they accuse her of infanticide in order to hide her sins... She denies it with all gusto of a woman torn... she says she wants to keep the baby growing within her. But the verdict is harsh as society shows no mercy to women with 'disputable character'... They tell her she has to quit her job as she will pollute the young minds of the innocent 10 year children, she has nothing but loved.

Absolutely typical yet totally biased was the fact that the man she was said to have slept with was not pointed fingers at! The fact that he was a married man, had committed adultery, lied to and abandoned his mistress and unborn child had no bearings in the light that this unmarried, young, Indian woman who had embraced her womanhood and fell in love with someone she worshipped for his intellect...

All in all a very well thought of script, the actors performed to perfection and stage presence was delightful...

Moral of the story (with a pun) : Never let the child in you die!!! :)

Can it?

Let's see...a wise man once said, "That's the remarkable thing about life...it can never gets so bad, that it can't get worse!"

Oh wait!! That was Calvin!!

I'm not a cynic... i'm not a pessimist... but when i'm pissed off - i'm worse!

I am a fighter... i don't think there's anything i can't get past... but betrayal will break me!

This picture is apt for the beginning of my blogging odyssey...! i have a companion, i have an uphill climb, i have a smile.... i'm set :)

This blog was created months ago...but only now have i actually put finger to keyboard! maybe "procrastinator" is an adjective you can add to my list! But now that the ball is rolling... get set... go!